What Could Have Been

Gabriella,

Today marks one year from the day you transitioned into the realm of spirit. Your short physical existence consisted of living and growing in my uterus until you were 5 months grown. You were growing with company in there. A very large uterine fibroid was also taking up a large amount of space. Unfortunately, the fibroid affected the sacred sac that was helping you stay alive. It ruptured all too soon, not giving you the chance to carry on growing into a full term baby. This day and the days preceding, one year ago, were the most difficult and seemingly unreel days of my life. Letting go of you in such a complex way made it more challenging. Knowing I had to ultimately make a decision on your fate. The experts were consulted and all warned us of how unhealthy the remainder of your time would be if you were to be given a chance to keep growing. We could not put you through that. What happened, happened and there was nothing anyone could have done to rectify that. My body was put through invasive surgery in order to remove your sweet little body. I was not even conscious when you were born. I think of this from time to time in sorrow. I am comforted by the plaster mould of your little hands and feet that the nurses made, sitting on my altar at home, reminding me of how perfect you really were.

I was greeted joyously by your sweet, uplifting spirit today. Right after I had asked for you to be shown. I immediately saw a butterfly floating freely with the summer breeze. The symbol you made so very clear represented you, from the early days following your passing. I had a vision of where I wanted to have a special ceremonial ritual, commemorating your life and what a gift you truly were, no matter how short that time was. I awoke with the vision in my head one morning. So off we went to this special spot in the woods. I had visited here once in the fall. An area off the main path in the park. A narrow passage through the tall grass and canopy cedar trees. We laid a blanket down and shared some words, feelings, shed tears. Letting you know how much we still love you. It was a special and impactful moment. As we were leaving, we noticed how that area in the Arboretum was called Butterfly Meadow. A sure sign you were there, watching over and letting us know you are with us.

This year has birthed so much growth and wisdom. It is difficult experiences, such as these, that lead us to and through our path of expansion. Wisdom doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It is bread out of the alchemy of love and heartache. I am grateful for how much strength and insight this experience has brought. We are as solid as our support, and that I am lucky to say is strong. There will always be what could have been. But life is about taking what you thought would happen, and accepting what is, no matter how troublesome. This may take time, but be easy on yourself. Take moments for self care and self love. Love wins every time.

Sending you all of the Love Gabriella,

Love you, always