I am currently sitting up in bed, putting fingers to keyboard for what feels like a long time. I tend to journal entry in my physical diary and have stepped away from blogging for a while. I’ve also been on a continued journey of healing that has been less externally expressed and more internally embodied and integrated.
At this moment, I am approximately 30 weeks pregnant with my little baby angel girl. She has been showing herself through the growth of my belly for months now. I feel her wiggle around and it truly is the greatest feeling. It has taken a long road to get here, but the timing feels like it is just how it is suppose to be.
Her name was chosen by listening and paying attention to her calls early on, in the spring, when I found out I was pregnant. At first I just observed as the visual and serendipitous signs were showing up all over. I knew this was meaningful and worth paying attention to. Finally, after the ultrasound confirming her gender at a hospital visit Phil attended with me, it was crystal clear. We found out the gender and were thrilled. I said to Phil, woo hoo! I won’t be outnumbered. The results have been normal to date and this was the most uplifting news. Gleaming down the hallway, approaching the ticket kiosk to pay for parking, I watched the screen as Phil paid. Gasp! Phil asked what was wrong? I covered my mouth and walked silently toward the exit, holding in the excitement of yet another sign of baby’s name. This time felt like a solidification. Her name popped up on the ticket kiosk screen and I knew from deep within, this was our baby girl presenting herself. I had asked weeks ago if Phil liked the name, considering I was seeing it everywhere. He did. Thankfully. Not only is it a name but it’s a feeling. Her name is present on both sides of our family. It’s classic, short, sweet and meaningful. Bonus is there wasn’t much, if any, effort put into making lists, discussions, agreements, disagreements. She made it easy, which was appreciated and filled me with warmth.
To say this pregnancy has been a pure blessing would be an understatement. Phil and I have had difficulty achieving this outcome. As written about previously, we lost our first daughter at 20 weeks due to a complication brought upon by a cervical uterine fibroid that caused a rupture of the membrane, leading to stillbirth. As awful and tragic as this was, and still remains, it opened a portal of healing that would be forever changing. I had other complications after this event which had me off work for a few months. This time was necessary and created space to heal previous wounds that had not gotten attention, affection or love.
I found a therapist I connected with and worked with her on various issues. It started with the primary relationships in my life including with my sister and parents. We worked on improving family dynamics and setting boundaries. Then came the deeper dive into past traumas including sexual violations and pregnancy trauma as well. This took many months, leading into years. It was a huge undertaking and unpacking of heavy emotions. But I was ready. This therapist also embraces and practices from a spiritual lens, which felt impactful and effective for where I was at in my spiritual healing journey.
Words can’t encompass the trajectory that committing to healing puts you on. I can say with certainty that it changed me in many ways. I shed old narratives, emotions and hurts that were holding me hostage in my own life, without being consciously aware. A life lesson that is most impactful from first hand experience, of course.
I also had another impactful holistic health practitioner that further assisted me on clearing old traumas and moving into a more aligned, present and connected life. Recommended by my therapist, this energy healer, specializing in trauma healing, helped me in various sessions over a span of a few months. My intention with her was to clear wounded space in my womb as I felt there were significant blockages that were inhibiting me to get pregnant or maintain a healthy pregnancy. At the end of our time together, I was unknowingly, newly pregnant.
I was on the verge of accepting that motherhood was not in the cards for me. As much as I wanted it, there was an internal struggle with the significant loss and trauma that pregnancy had caused me, time after time. But as I approached surrender, the answer to the call was already in the making. I found out in the spring that I was pregnant. I was referred to Maternal Fetal Medicine which is a high risk unit. I was pleased with this as my history was startling and any extra attention and care was appreciated due to this.
As my pregnancy progressed and there was good news after ultrasounds and appointments, I was able to breathe easier. I did feel an undertone of ease during this pregnancy. I was surprisingly not washed away with anxiety and fear. I had trust in that this path was part of my calling and that I was worthy of becoming the mother I always deeply wanted to be, but may have convinced myself out of because of deep pain, fear and experience.
This evening, after watching a documentary on Alex Cooper about how she turned her traumas into her calling, I found myself sobbing in the shower. I had not noticed any changes in my emotions during this pregnancy, but this evening it all came washing over. I realized that this new portal that I am walking through is actually happening. I had feelings of deep worthiness and being proud of the seemingly endless work and focus I had been putting on myself to get here.
This has been a journey of learning and unlearning who I am on the deepest, most authentic and spiritual level. As Phil and I prepare for the transitions that are taking place, I feel a sense of readiness and trust. The emotionally demanding efforts and winding roads of healing was truly paying off and aligning in a way I would have never imagined. Life is never usually how you expect or imagine. But the wisdom gained from tragedies and loss, if you choose to look at the lessons and yourself in a way that encourages growth, will contribute to the overall wellness of your life and journey forward. It will offer insight into your purpose and being that can only be experienced through moments that knock you down. I am grateful for the support and love that has been essential throughout life’s challenging moments.
Tonight I picked a card from Rebecca Campbell’s The Starseed Oracle deck – it popped out very quickly as strong messages usually do. The card is CALLED. Which revealed this message:
“I call forth the soul gifts and soul training that I’ve received throughout all of my lifetimes. I’m ready to embody them all now, without hesitation of fear. I fully commit to being here now. I’m ready to step into my soul’s highest and most potent calling. I’ve been training for this for lifetimes.”
This message was so meaningful because it showed me that although the path of getting here has been filled with setbacks, struggles and pain, you cannot rule out the path itself due to this. You cannot take away what is meant for you. It’s understandable that people want to give up hope and effort but if it is part of your calling, it will come. It is similarly seeking you.
For now I am basking in the miracle of creating life from within. I see myself and the world differently. I feel deeply that this portal will reshape my focus and priorities, opening my heart and essence to a whole new way of being. My healing journey will benefit my daughter’s life because I will pass onto her conscious teachings, lessons and practices that have come to be through this healing process. The struggles will arise, but I feel equipped with vast life experience that gives confidence in bestowing the deepest love, safety and happiness to this child.
If you are or have been on a similar journey, I am here with you. I see and feel how heartbreaking and gut wrenching life can be. But we are strong and resilient beings that are meant to find our way in the dark. Bring your light. Search for it from within. Bask in it. Be it.
With Love,
Kim
