Anniversaries are a funny thing. They can be filled with joy or sorrow, depending on what the anniversary represents. Today’s date and time of year brings back waves of uncomfortable and difficult memories. Ones that I don’t tend to think of often because of the pain they bring. But today, my husband and I re-grieve the loss of our daughter due to pregnancy complications two years ago.
Thinking back, we never realized at the time how awful the developing situation we were in was. Each day was harder and more worrisome. Not only were we told that our daughter wouldn’t survive, we were also told that she would be born in a complicated way with no means of survival. I was not able to have a traditional induced labour because of the large fibroid that was blocking my cervix. We opted for surgery, which ended up causing a blood clot in my leg from prolonged bed rest, travel up through my heart and eventually breaking up, lodging in my lungs. My heart felt broken. And truly was. We were faced with losing our daughter and fearing for my health. I will never forget the 8 painful days spent in the hospital. Thankfully I was well supported by the team of doctors and nurses, my husband, family and friends. I still nurse differently from this experience of being a vulnerable patient.
Today I spending time remembering and grieving those heavy memories. But am also recognizing how far I have come physically and emotionally. We all go through dark times throughout life in our own ways. I believe from the deepest part of me that it does make you stronger and time does help mend your heart and give you a more expansive perspective. This tragedy opened a healing portal that I have spent the past 2 years navigating. It took a lot of energy, courage and willingness but I can thankfully say that I feel lighter, braver, stronger, wiser and more aligned with who I am. Working through and clearing other painful events of my life has brought me closer to myself, my values and who I am. Spending time connecting with myself on a deep and profound level has brought me to a more peaceful place, surrendering to what life has lying ahead. Recognizing the joys and wins and being grateful for the small and big moments is what makes up for the more challenging ones.
I am grateful for being ready to start trying to expand our family again. It took a while to get to this space but healing was needed and that’s ok. I think it’s healthy to revisit painful times, but not for too long. I am giving myself grace throughout. I am catching myself wanting to run in form of keeping busy, but what I need is to sit and feel. Pushing the pain down with avoidance does not make it go away. A lighter feeling is on the other side of difficulty. This I know to be true.